When I got home that night, I went straight to my room and laid down on my bed. Justin never texted or called. That only worsened my mood. So all night I laid there, thinking. Had Justin been right about me? I’ll admit, I had feelings for him. I’d been pushing them away because I knew it could never work. I guess I had been in denial. Justin was a great guy, no doubt about that. I felt closer to him than I’d felt to anyone in a long time. He was there when I needed cheering up. He confided in me, and I did the same to him. I just didn’t understand how what happened that night had happened. We were doing just fine. Why did it end that way?
I was so overwhelmed that I fell asleep in the clothes I wore to the party.
The next morning, I checked my phone and Justin still hadn’t called or texted. I became worried that he was really mad at me, so I decided to call him. Just as I picked my phone up, there was a knock at my door. I ran to it and looked out, and saw Justin. I opened the door and just stood there, looking at him.
He looked at me, too. We stood there for a few more seconds before I finally couldn’t take it anymore and said, “Justin…I’m sorry.” He half-smiled and walked in.
I was waiting on pins and needles for his reply. Please don’t let him be mad at me…
“Emma… I’m sorry. Last night was my fault. I keep trying to push you into this, when you don’t want to.”
“J… you know it’s more complicated than that.”
“Yeah, I do. But that’s what it comes down to. You essentially don’t want to be with me, and I can’t help that. So I’ll just have to accept it.” I looked at him. He didn’t look happy. He looked as if he was trying to force himself to do something he didn’t want to do. I couldn’t stand to see him like that.
“Just so you know… you were right.” He looked up at me.
“About what?”
“I do have feelings for you, J. I’ve been trying to keep it locked up inside. I knew it all along, but I didn’t want to admit it. I’m sorry for that.” He didn’t say anything.
“Look… Justin I don’t want our friendship to end because of this.”
“It won’t. I’m not like that.” I felt a little bit of relief.
“So we’re still friends?”
“Of course we are.” He smiled at me then pulled me into a hug. I gripped at his shirt and hugged him so tightly that my arms felt strained. I could smell the cologne he was wearing. It didn’t hide what I knew to be his smell. I liked it better than his cologne.
“So, what are your activities for the day?” I asked when we finally broke apart.
“I’m leaving for Atlanta tonight. I don’t know what I’m doing until then.”
“Would you like to hang out here?”
“Sure.” He smiled.
Justin and I didn’t do much that day, other than lay around and watch t.v. He showed me a picture from the night before of the two of us that his friend Dan took without us knowing. In the photo, we were sitting on a couch. He was looking at me, with a laughing smile on his face and I was laughing too. My right hand was on his knee, and his left hand was centimeters away from mine. The picture really made me think. Would it be so bad if we dated? I have a good time with him, and I feel comfortable with him. I really did like him, no matter what I tried to tell myself. Isn’t that all that matters?
“I put this on twitter earlier.” Justin said, grabbing my computer and logging onto his account.
“What? You put that picture up?”
“Yeah. That’s not a problem, is it?” I was hoping it wouldn’t be.
“No, I guess not. Did anyone say anything about it?”
“Let me check, hold on.” He scrolled to the picture and clicked it. There were three pages of comments in all. On the first page alone there were mixed reviews. One said, “She’s very pretty! Go Justin!” I smiled at that one. But as he continued to scroll I saw some that made my stomach churn.
“Who is that even? I’ve never heard of her. Get rid of that Justin, you’re too good for her.” “Why is Justin with this girl? Who is she?”
“Don’t pay attention to those.” Justin said. I still felt uneasy.
“That’s why, Justin. That’s why we can’t be together.” He sighed.
“I know. And I’m sorry.”
----
I wasn’t going to be seeing Justin for two weeks, so when we said goodbye that night, it was a little gloomy. We were both still on edge after our fight, and things hadn’t been right since. I knew it was bothering him, but it was bothering me, too. I couldn’t think of a solution I liked, though, and neither could he. So we dealt with it the best we could.
Since my album came out, I’d been traveling more than before. I was doing little acoustic sets and signings to try to promote my music. That was why I was going to see Justin at all. Our schedules were both becoming so busy that there was hardly anytime at all to spend with each other. I was going to Atlanta to do some press and such, and I was thankful. I missed him, and I wanted to make things better between us, no matter how hard it was.
I arrived in Atlanta at about 10:00 in the morning. I was going to play a set at a popular music store, and sign autographs afterwards. I’d signed quite a few autographs since my first ones the night of my album release. My fan-base was growing, and I loved it.
The set I played was uneventful in a good way; no one messed anything up too badly. The signing was only about an hour long. As soon as that was over, I headed towards Justin’s. I was becoming a nervous wreck the closer we got to his house. We had texted pretty briefly since the last time I saw him, and only talked on the phone twice. This was the reason I was nervous. I felt like we were fighting still.
My car pulled up to Justin’s at about 3:00. The sun was shining and it was so hot outside that I could see the heat waves on the asphalt. I got out of the car and was making my way up to the door when it opened and I jumped.
“Emma! Hello!” It was Justin’s mom. I’d only met her twice before, so I was a little shy. “How are you?”
“I’m good, thank you.”
“Come on in. Justin’s in his room if you’d like to head on up stairs. I’ve got some food in the oven and
it’ll be ready in a little bit.”
“Thanks a lot, Pattie.” I smiled at her. She was so sweet. She had the same smile as Justin.
I walked upstairs and saw Justin’s door immediately. He had a hockey poster taped up, as well as a sign that said, “Justin’s Room, Beware” and some other random pictures. I walked towards his door which was slightly ajar, and knocked softly.
“Come in.” I pushed the door open and found Justin sitting on his bed with his guitar in hand. “Hello.”
“Hey.” I tried my best to smile. Something between us sill felt distant. “Justin, listen. I-“
“Before you say anything, I want you to hear this song I’m working on.” I wanted to protest, but he looked pretty serious.
“Ok, go ahead.”
He began to strum on his guitar, and sing.
With you…
With you…
I wish we had another time
I wish we had another place
Now Romeo & Juliet
Bet they never felt the way we felt
Bonnie & Clyde
Never had to hide like we do, we do
You and I, both know it can't work
It's all fun and games
'Til someone gets hurt
And I don't,
I won't let that be you
Now you don't wanna let go
And I don't wanna let you know
That there might be something real between us two
Who knew
Now we don't wanna fall but
We're tripping in our hearts
And it's reckless and clumsy
Cause I know you can't love me
Hey
I wish we had another time
I wish we had another place
But everything we have is stuck in the moment
And there's nothing my heart can do
To fight with time and space cause
I'm still stuck in the moment with you
See like Adam & Eve
Tragedy was our destiny
Like Sonny & Cher
I don't care
I got you baby
See we both
Fightin' every inch of our fiber
‘Cause ain’t no way it's gonna end right but
We are both too foolish to stop
Now you don't wanna let go
And I don't wanna let you know
That there might be something real between us two
Who knew
And we don't wanna fall but
We're tripping in our hearts
And it's reckless and clumsy
And I know you can't love me
Hey
I wish we had another time
I wish we had another place
But everything we have is stuck in the moment
And there's nothing my heart can do
To fight with time and space cause
I'm still stuck in the moment with you
See like
Just because this cold, cold world saying we can't be
Baby we both have the right to disagree
And I ain't with it
And I don't wanna be so old and gray
Reminiscing 'bout these better days
But convention's telling us to let go
So we'll never know
I wish we had another time
I wish we had another place
Cause everything we did
And everything we have is stuck in the moment
Yeah
I wish we had another time
I wish we had another place
But everything we have is stuck in the moment
And there's nothing my heart can do
To fight with time and space
I'm still stuck in the moment with you
He finished playing and looked back up at me. I could feel tears trying to escape and a knot in my throat, but I held back. I guess my silence scared him, because he sat the guitar against his bed and said, “I wrote that for you. For us, I guess.”
“That’s what I thought.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Did you like it?”
“Of course I did.” He smiled. I smiled. Then he hugged me.
“I’ve missed you.” I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore.
“I’ve missed you, too.” We pulled apart and he looked at me. He took his thumb and wiped my tears away and then kissed my forehead. It was wonderful, but torture all the same.
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