My tour was going relatively well. I wasn’t playing any stadiums, but I was happy. I stayed that way until mid-November.
I was on my laptop one night, just browsing the internet, when Ryan ran in my hotel room.
“Em…” He looked sort of anxious. It made me nervous.
“What is it, Ryan?”
“There’s something I need to show you.” He grabbed my laptop and logged into twitter. He went to some girl’s page that I recognized as Justin’s friend Hannah.
“What’s going on, Ryan?”
“Just… hold on.” He sighed. He clicked on a link to a photo. When the photo loaded, my heart dropped.
It was a photo of her and Justin together. They were embracing and looked awfully close. Too close for my liking. The caption read, “Me and the only guy who’s ever had my heart. So glad we got to spend some time together. Love ya Justin. ”
I sat in silence, reading the caption over and over again and staring at the picture.
“Em… are you ok?” It was like my emotion waited until Ryan asked that question before it exploded.
Ryan saying that made everything hit me. Like a train.
I jumped up and grabbed my cell phone.
“Em, wait, she could be lying. Don’t do anything you’ll regret.” I was already dialing Justin’s number.
Two rings. “Hello?”
“What the hell Justin!”
“Em? What are you talking about? What’s going on-“
“You know good and well what the **** is going on, Justin. What is that picture of you and Hannah all about?”
“Em, that’s not what it looks like.”
“Really? Then why didn’t you tell me about it?”
“I was going to, but-“
“Were you? Because you know what? I didn’t hear it from you, in case you didn’t notice. I heard it from Ryan. WHY didn’t I hear it from you?”
“It’s more complicated than you think, Em.”
“Well why don’t you explain it to me?” Ryan looked very uncomfortable.
“I think I’ll leave you alone, Em.” He said.
“OH no you don’t. You’re staying here. I want a witness just in case I go crazy and do something I’ll regret.” This didn’t make him look any more comfortable.
“Go ahead Justin. Start explaining.”
“Ok… I was playing my hometown show tonight, and Hannah showed up. I hadn’t seen her in a long time, so after the concert we decided to hang out and catch up.”
“Keep going.”
“Well, you know we dated. A long time ago. We were really young then. But I guess she still has feelings for me. We were just talking and all of a sudden she kissed me.” I thought my blood was boiling with anger.
“And? Did you stop her?”
“Well, no.”
“NO?”
“No… Em, she was my first real girlfriend. I couldn’t be mean to her.”
“No, but you could hurt me to save her feelings.”
“Em, please-‘’
“No, keep going. I want to hear this.” He sighed. I was hysterical inside.
“I let her kiss me. I wanted to make sure, you know? Make sure I didn’t have any feelings for her.”
“And? Do you?”
“Well, I thought I did.”
“Justin, don’t call me. I’m going to hang up. I don’t want you to try to call me afterwards. Just leave me the **** alone.”
“Em, I don’t have feelings for her! I don’t think anyway… but that doesn’t matter! I love YOU.”
“Justin, please. Just leave me alone.” I had begun to cry.
“Em…”
“When I said it, I meant it. But obviously you didn’t. Goodbye Justin.” I hung up the phone.
I collapsed on the bed and began to sob. Ryan came over and sat beside me.
“I’m sorry, Em.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, Ryan. Just please don’t leave me alone right now.” He nodded and put
an arm around me.
----
Justin tried to call me multiple times over the next week. I refused to talk to him. I had texted him back two times. Once to say, “No,” When he told me to answer my phone, and once to tell him that he had really hurt me. He had texted me and said he was very sorry and would really like to talk to me. This was my way of dealing with it. I had to keep away from him and try to get my head straight.
My band was great as expected. They didn’t try to make me talk about it, but when I did want to, they were right there, ready to listen. Charlotte, who was like my very protective older sister, was also great to talk to. She just told me to give my heart some time, and then try talking to him again.
I had begun to write a song. I had no other way of letting out the pain of what Justin did. The band asked me to hear it, but I made them wait until I was finished. It was my therapy, writing that song.
When I was finished, I knew I would feel better. At least a little.
On one of my last tour dates, I decided to debut the song. I had talked to Justin a few more times by then, but our situation still wasn’t better. I told him I needed time. He agreed, but only reluctantly.
“Ok guys. This is a new song. I’ve never played it before for anyone other than my band and my manager. It’s a really personal song. I don’t know if you’ll know what it’s about, but if you do, that’s ok. If you don’t, that’s ok, too. It’s helped me to deal with a situation, and I hope that if any of you are going through something like this, it will help you, too.” Together my band and I began to play.
Think of me when you’re out, when you’re out there
I’ll beg you nice from my knees
And when the world treats you way too fairly
Well it’s a shame I’m a dream
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
I think I’ll pace my apartment a few times
And fall asleep on the couch
And wake up early to black and white reruns
That escaped from my mouth, oh, oh
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
I could follow you to the beginning
Just to relive the start
And maybe then we’d remember to slow down
At all of our favorite parts
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
After the song was finished, the crowd cheered. I was feeling better. I wasn’t completely ok, but knowing that I had finally expressed what I needed to express to someone other than my band and Charlotte helped me.
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